Rules of Seattle Citizenship

When asked where I'm from, I proudly answer, "Seattle." I was born there. My mother was born there. Her father was born there. His mother was born there. Her father moved there from Pennsylvania in 1876. Nonetheless, even if your forebears came to those shores at the corner of SW 63rd and Alki with the Denny Party, you stand to lose it all if you don't follow the rules.

1. Umbrellas. Real Seattleites don't even own umbrellas. For those people who travel away from the city for any ungodly reason, this might not be practical. However, don't get caught in town using one.

2. Geoduck. If you ever use the word, you'd better know how to pronounce it correctly--and know how to recognize one when you see it. It's a far better thing to misspell it than mispronounce it.

3. Beer. The local brew ordinance was repealed due to lack of surviving major local brews. However, try Pyramid's products or Mack and Jack's African Amber.

4. Coffee. It's OK to be proud of local companies like Starbucks, Tully's or Seattle's Best, but we needn't look like transplanted Californians by purchasing those drinks with long Italian names. Order coffee.